14.Are foaming soap dispensers really a step forward in lather technology?
I hardly believe that they are. Really? A dispenser is better equipped to lather my soap than I am? I don’t think so sally. I happen to have stellar lathering skills that I have honed during my intimate years with bar soaps. Foaming soap dispensers eat your heart out! Now watch me lather the heck out of this bar of Irish Spring.
15.12.08
My Personal Mission Statement
My purpose is to express my childish nature, funny shaped peanut collection and plasma TV by crushing distant objects between my fingers when I squint with one eye, by showing the peanut collection off to my neighbor sue and by positioning the TV in front of my picture window so the people walking past can see my kickass TV to Win the superbowl, make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, fix the used ping pong table that I found behind my garage a month ago and obtain at least $23.00 by 12/15/2009.
make your own here.
make your own here.
12.12.08
Snippets of a Road Trip Journal - April '07
Day 1 - “I was supposed to leave yesterday but it felt as if a million things went awry. I drove to Marshfield, WI for work, 150 miles away, and didn’t get done until after 2pm! My exhaust broke, coolant problems persisted and reverse gear on Gretta(the Jetta) wouldn’t work. Then, the washing machine sewer line plugged! So, I opted to leave at 5.30AM this morning, It was pouring rain all morning and the pounding exhaust note from my car escalated until the SD border. Stopped in Worthington and asked several shops to patch the exhaust up for me -no go- should call it “Worthlesston”. Finally arrived in Sioux Falls and kept my head low as I blabbered through downtown. Hyvee was a sight for sore eyes, I bought the perfect can to fix my problem - asparagus spears! Yum! Although they make your pee smell like…asparagus. A quick stop at ace for some clamps, tape and a tarp and I was on my way to a nice, dry parking garage to fix the hole in my exhaust piping. A cop checked me out, but gave me no trouble… Saw the most amazing cumulus clouds. Bucked the wind like mad…”
Day 2 - “…Woke up early from the Big Lake Campground in MO and avoided the $8 camping fee. Drove to St. Joseph and decided to attend church (after going the wrong way on a ONE WAY). Went to a huge Baptist church close to the interstate. The message was about what music God likes -not- Palm Sunday like I had hoped. No one said ‘hi’ to me, but I took a dump in their bathrooms.
Went through KC and then west toward Wichita. Took scenic highway to avoid toll road and was held up by a large semi accident. Continued down I35 through Oklahoma City, it was very sunny and warm. I am camped about an hour and a half south of Oklahoma City at a lake and no one is around, very peaceful. Gretta ran well today, but I just discovered that she is leaking gas again, oh well - got 30MPG!”
Day 3 - “Woke to a beautiful sunrise today, bathed in the lake and set off for Ft. Worth. I caught a large beetle yesterday and put him in a ziplock. He started chewing through the bag so I left it outside last night. He hadn’t made it through so I put it back in the trunk. Stopped at a hole in the wall donut shop on my way out of Marietta. A very charming old guy sold me a fritter and a glazed donut - Delicious! Drove to Ft. Worth, straight to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. What a great tour! There were a bunch of cackling bank tellers in my group.
Arthur was just a few miles away with my MR2 hood - so easy - strapped it to the roof with no problems. Opened the trunk to find the beetle had escaped! Searched the trunk but couldn’t find him. Caught him clawing desperately at the back window in the car. Nearly was killed by it when I was getting it out.” (This was a very traumatic experience for me. The beetle was gargantuan! And after safely escorting him out of my car he flew away! I couldn’t believe it….Thing was like a B-52 bomber!)
“Drove east and listened to ‘Texarkana’ by R.E.M. as I drove through Texarkana. Now I’ve spent the worst 35 bucks ever. I am at the most divey motel in the world. The whole place feels as though it’s crawling. The toilet teeters dangerously. I refuse to use it for safety reasons. The shower rings don’t even match. I even found a heroin spoon under the mattress. I can’t wait to leave this place, so much for a hot shower.
p.s. I also broke the water fountain at the Texas Visitors Center - and the people at the Bureau were super nice.
p.p.s I just counted, there are 5 different style/color shower rings on the curtain.”
Day 4 - “I was very glad to see the morning light today. I didn’t sleep well. I washed up and gathered my things at around 7AM. To my assurance there were 2 squad cars parked outside solving some domestic dispute as I walked out. I grabbed my pliers and bent the heroin spoon all to hell and threw it back under the mattress - Take that! I was crabby and disgusted most of my drive through AR…Grew very tired of driving in the afternoon and was really on the verge of insanity. Then, I came to West Point, IA and used the library bathroom and asked the librarian about camping. Delightful place just outside of town. It’s very windy and cool. It’ll be 1000 times better than last night. Went for a little jog exploring around. Found the playground and for a short time I honestly felt like a little kid again. Must have been all the time in the car.”
Day 5 - “Very blustery night last night. I woke up very early due to the cold. Broke camp quickly and snuggled into my car. By way of the radio, I found out that it had dipped to 22 degrees - nearly 40 degrees difference from yesterday! Drove north towards Davenport, stopped in a small town to get some water for the car, then took a short nap in a church parking lot. Woke myself up with my own snoring several times,…I am very tired. Drove to the John Deere Pavilion in Moline, IL… Bought some napkins and popcorn for John in the gift shop…I got back on the interstate and made the arduous journey to Des Moines. It was obnoxiously windy I was so tired and felt dirty. My hair hurt, my hoodie was stained with peach juice, and my teeth felt like they were growing their own coral reef. Was relieved to get to Kate’s. Showered up and had fish sticks, potatoes, and corn. Sat and talked until bedtime, the place looks great! Mom and Kent are supposedly coming tomorrow with the piano!?”
Day 6 - “Woke up at about 9AM and putzed around until it was time to leave. Started Gretta only to discover that my water pump was frozen solid! I had refilled the coolant system exclusively with water and hadn’t anticipated the cold. Kate was away at work, so I pulled ‘er into the garage and warmed it up with…Viola! Charcoal. Stunk up the garage a bit, but finally got things unfrozen. Stole some of Mavis’ antifreeze and left a ten on the counter. Took off late for Decorah, drove like mad and was only 10 min later than I had hoped. LutherTour rocked! Nora showed me the whole place, even gave me a yogurt. I climbed the Martin Luther statue. What fun! Laughed and had a good time, but I stayed only a short while. Then drove like mad…Put on about 3000 miles. Gretta is in need of true TLC.”
Day 2 - “…Woke up early from the Big Lake Campground in MO and avoided the $8 camping fee. Drove to St. Joseph and decided to attend church (after going the wrong way on a ONE WAY). Went to a huge Baptist church close to the interstate. The message was about what music God likes -not- Palm Sunday like I had hoped. No one said ‘hi’ to me, but I took a dump in their bathrooms.
Went through KC and then west toward Wichita. Took scenic highway to avoid toll road and was held up by a large semi accident. Continued down I35 through Oklahoma City, it was very sunny and warm. I am camped about an hour and a half south of Oklahoma City at a lake and no one is around, very peaceful. Gretta ran well today, but I just discovered that she is leaking gas again, oh well - got 30MPG!”
Day 3 - “Woke to a beautiful sunrise today, bathed in the lake and set off for Ft. Worth. I caught a large beetle yesterday and put him in a ziplock. He started chewing through the bag so I left it outside last night. He hadn’t made it through so I put it back in the trunk. Stopped at a hole in the wall donut shop on my way out of Marietta. A very charming old guy sold me a fritter and a glazed donut - Delicious! Drove to Ft. Worth, straight to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. What a great tour! There were a bunch of cackling bank tellers in my group.
Arthur was just a few miles away with my MR2 hood - so easy - strapped it to the roof with no problems. Opened the trunk to find the beetle had escaped! Searched the trunk but couldn’t find him. Caught him clawing desperately at the back window in the car. Nearly was killed by it when I was getting it out.” (This was a very traumatic experience for me. The beetle was gargantuan! And after safely escorting him out of my car he flew away! I couldn’t believe it….Thing was like a B-52 bomber!)
“Drove east and listened to ‘Texarkana’ by R.E.M. as I drove through Texarkana. Now I’ve spent the worst 35 bucks ever. I am at the most divey motel in the world. The whole place feels as though it’s crawling. The toilet teeters dangerously. I refuse to use it for safety reasons. The shower rings don’t even match. I even found a heroin spoon under the mattress. I can’t wait to leave this place, so much for a hot shower.
p.s. I also broke the water fountain at the Texas Visitors Center - and the people at the Bureau were super nice.
p.p.s I just counted, there are 5 different style/color shower rings on the curtain.”
Day 4 - “I was very glad to see the morning light today. I didn’t sleep well. I washed up and gathered my things at around 7AM. To my assurance there were 2 squad cars parked outside solving some domestic dispute as I walked out. I grabbed my pliers and bent the heroin spoon all to hell and threw it back under the mattress - Take that! I was crabby and disgusted most of my drive through AR…Grew very tired of driving in the afternoon and was really on the verge of insanity. Then, I came to West Point, IA and used the library bathroom and asked the librarian about camping. Delightful place just outside of town. It’s very windy and cool. It’ll be 1000 times better than last night. Went for a little jog exploring around. Found the playground and for a short time I honestly felt like a little kid again. Must have been all the time in the car.”
Day 5 - “Very blustery night last night. I woke up very early due to the cold. Broke camp quickly and snuggled into my car. By way of the radio, I found out that it had dipped to 22 degrees - nearly 40 degrees difference from yesterday! Drove north towards Davenport, stopped in a small town to get some water for the car, then took a short nap in a church parking lot. Woke myself up with my own snoring several times,…I am very tired. Drove to the John Deere Pavilion in Moline, IL… Bought some napkins and popcorn for John in the gift shop…I got back on the interstate and made the arduous journey to Des Moines. It was obnoxiously windy I was so tired and felt dirty. My hair hurt, my hoodie was stained with peach juice, and my teeth felt like they were growing their own coral reef. Was relieved to get to Kate’s. Showered up and had fish sticks, potatoes, and corn. Sat and talked until bedtime, the place looks great! Mom and Kent are supposedly coming tomorrow with the piano!?”
Day 6 - “Woke up at about 9AM and putzed around until it was time to leave. Started Gretta only to discover that my water pump was frozen solid! I had refilled the coolant system exclusively with water and hadn’t anticipated the cold. Kate was away at work, so I pulled ‘er into the garage and warmed it up with…Viola! Charcoal. Stunk up the garage a bit, but finally got things unfrozen. Stole some of Mavis’ antifreeze and left a ten on the counter. Took off late for Decorah, drove like mad and was only 10 min later than I had hoped. LutherTour rocked! Nora showed me the whole place, even gave me a yogurt. I climbed the Martin Luther statue. What fun! Laughed and had a good time, but I stayed only a short while. Then drove like mad…Put on about 3000 miles. Gretta is in need of true TLC.”
11.12.08
In the Upper Left-Hand Corner
The drive to and from work was a black and white movie, barely scenic and relying mostly upon dialogue of which he normally had none. In the cool mornings, the ones with an atmosphere you swear you could touch, the drive was soothing, the late afternoon drive however, was arduous and numbing. Arduous for the mere fact of a 10 mile stretch of highway as straight as the back ridge of a butter knife and numbing from the charge of the wind, it covered his car, swirled around it, and blew through the weather-stripping on the drivers’ side door so that a consistent whistle elbowed it’s way into his ear throughout the ride home. The city was Crookston and driving to it required that he cross into the eastern prairie, the flat eastern prairie, dead flat like polished granite. Someone said “ …around here you can watch your dog run away for two days”, and now figured that he’d been watching the renaissance of his life run away for nearly 4 months.
The steam from the sugar beet plant can be seen from about 10 miles away as soon one would turn onto hwy 102. Fortunately the stink from the same plant wasn’t palpable until you found yourself in town.
The steam from the sugar beet plant can be seen from about 10 miles away as soon one would turn onto hwy 102. Fortunately the stink from the same plant wasn’t palpable until you found yourself in town.
10.12.08
20 Questions About Bathrooms: Question #13
13.What is your preference? Towels or hand dryers?
There is no correct answer to this question; however, if you say that you prefer hand dryers you would be wrong. Sure, your saving about 19 trees for every time that you use a hand dryer but think about all of the airborne viruses and bacterium that are being sucked into that dryer and chopped to bits by the vicious fan contained within. I can’t give you an exact death toll, but it’s a helluva lot more than 19, you heartless jerkwad! Maybe you enjoy having tiny, minding-their-own business, viruses slaughtered and then having their lifeless body parts blasted onto your hands…
There is no correct answer to this question; however, if you say that you prefer hand dryers you would be wrong. Sure, your saving about 19 trees for every time that you use a hand dryer but think about all of the airborne viruses and bacterium that are being sucked into that dryer and chopped to bits by the vicious fan contained within. I can’t give you an exact death toll, but it’s a helluva lot more than 19, you heartless jerkwad! Maybe you enjoy having tiny, minding-their-own business, viruses slaughtered and then having their lifeless body parts blasted onto your hands…
8.12.08
Top Tens
My top ten reasons to get an Education
10. Your life is like ’Animal House’ everyday.
9. You read books that you never would otherwise
8. Girls everywhere!
7. People think your smarter than other folks, though they wouldn’t say it out loud.
6. Get to hang out in old buildings
5. Interesting discussions with the intellectuals
4. You meet all kinds of interesting people
3. Good chance of getting a rockin’ job
2. Learning stuff, I guess
1. No more peanut jobs
My top ten reasons to avoid college
10. You get the fulfillment of doing things on your own
9. Homework
8. You can work in any locale
7. You won’t turn into a snob of any kind
6. You don’t have to hang out with obnoxious post HS students
5. Homework
4. Debt
3. It’s a 4 year commitment, and we all know how good I am at commitments
2. Homework
1. You may never really apply the education, only the slip of paper that says you have one
10. Your life is like ’Animal House’ everyday.
9. You read books that you never would otherwise
8. Girls everywhere!
7. People think your smarter than other folks, though they wouldn’t say it out loud.
6. Get to hang out in old buildings
5. Interesting discussions with the intellectuals
4. You meet all kinds of interesting people
3. Good chance of getting a rockin’ job
2. Learning stuff, I guess
1. No more peanut jobs
My top ten reasons to avoid college
10. You get the fulfillment of doing things on your own
9. Homework
8. You can work in any locale
7. You won’t turn into a snob of any kind
6. You don’t have to hang out with obnoxious post HS students
5. Homework
4. Debt
3. It’s a 4 year commitment, and we all know how good I am at commitments
2. Homework
1. You may never really apply the education, only the slip of paper that says you have one
7.12.08
20 Questions About Bathrooms: Question #12
12.I understand that urinals don’t belong in home bathrooms, but why not?
A past roommate of mine once house-sat for a man who had a urinal in his bathroom. It looked so alien in a home bathroom, but you know what? It was terrific. Ever since that day I’ve wanted one in my house, or at least some kind of tube that leads outside that I can pee into.
A past roommate of mine once house-sat for a man who had a urinal in his bathroom. It looked so alien in a home bathroom, but you know what? It was terrific. Ever since that day I’ve wanted one in my house, or at least some kind of tube that leads outside that I can pee into.
5.12.08
Night Taxi Cab
(revised)
She took as many things with her as she could manage in the rush, even the extra pair of tennis shoes that were usually left at his apartment. At the time that she was stepping out the door, she glanced and saw those dirty shoes, used for running on wet days, sitting there pathetically. A false sense of pity for them welled up in her and with her two free fingers they were swiftly snagged with one finger in each shoe. It was stupid to take so much with her. Near as she could figure, she wouldn’t be coming back again, so she took with her the socks left in his closet, a hairdryer and curling iron from his bathroom, and a few shirts from a pile on his bedroom floor while he slept. The shoes were her last impulsive grab, and a bad one at that.
A lethargic growl from the door in front announced her arrival onto the stoop of his apartment. Autumn was in the air, she could feel it in a cool gush as she stood there with her arms full of shit that she would never miss. The taxi cab she had dialed with secret, shaky fingers while alone in his dark kitchen would be pulling up soon. As she waited for it, remembering the first time in front of his robust apartment was easy. Him, standing there, top of the steps, all proud, handsome; waving his hands, urging her to come in. Now, she was leaving it for good and he wouldn’t know it until the following morning.
The night taxi cab pulled up, followed by an opaque cloud of vapor from the cool night air. She opened the door, released the things from her arms onto the seat, and stepped in. Staring at that mangled pile of her own stuff during the drive across town only reminded her of him; where they were when she was wearing those shirts; the time they made a last minute trip to the department store to buy the hairdryer after forgetting hers from home. It occurred to her that everything reminded her of him, everything, except for those damn shoes. It was those rainy day runs that were her favorite companion, especially after fighting. The sound of her rhythmic steps on wet pavement assured her that she was worthwhile, a treasure to be treasured.
The night taxi cab slowly rolled to a stop in front of her place, it was about 4a.m. now and she was home. She paid the cab fare with a crispy twenty, took hold of her tennis shoes with the same two fingers, and stepped onto the boulevard. She watched the cab lumber away taking all of the memories of him and his apartment with it. The socks and shirts; the hairdryer and curling iron; the fighting; all of it taken away by the night taxi cab. While slipping her key into her front door, she looked again, over her shoulder, to make sure it was really gone. Upon seeing that it was, she sighed; shoes in hand; and smiled.
She took as many things with her as she could manage in the rush, even the extra pair of tennis shoes that were usually left at his apartment. At the time that she was stepping out the door, she glanced and saw those dirty shoes, used for running on wet days, sitting there pathetically. A false sense of pity for them welled up in her and with her two free fingers they were swiftly snagged with one finger in each shoe. It was stupid to take so much with her. Near as she could figure, she wouldn’t be coming back again, so she took with her the socks left in his closet, a hairdryer and curling iron from his bathroom, and a few shirts from a pile on his bedroom floor while he slept. The shoes were her last impulsive grab, and a bad one at that.
A lethargic growl from the door in front announced her arrival onto the stoop of his apartment. Autumn was in the air, she could feel it in a cool gush as she stood there with her arms full of shit that she would never miss. The taxi cab she had dialed with secret, shaky fingers while alone in his dark kitchen would be pulling up soon. As she waited for it, remembering the first time in front of his robust apartment was easy. Him, standing there, top of the steps, all proud, handsome; waving his hands, urging her to come in. Now, she was leaving it for good and he wouldn’t know it until the following morning.
The night taxi cab pulled up, followed by an opaque cloud of vapor from the cool night air. She opened the door, released the things from her arms onto the seat, and stepped in. Staring at that mangled pile of her own stuff during the drive across town only reminded her of him; where they were when she was wearing those shirts; the time they made a last minute trip to the department store to buy the hairdryer after forgetting hers from home. It occurred to her that everything reminded her of him, everything, except for those damn shoes. It was those rainy day runs that were her favorite companion, especially after fighting. The sound of her rhythmic steps on wet pavement assured her that she was worthwhile, a treasure to be treasured.
The night taxi cab slowly rolled to a stop in front of her place, it was about 4a.m. now and she was home. She paid the cab fare with a crispy twenty, took hold of her tennis shoes with the same two fingers, and stepped onto the boulevard. She watched the cab lumber away taking all of the memories of him and his apartment with it. The socks and shirts; the hairdryer and curling iron; the fighting; all of it taken away by the night taxi cab. While slipping her key into her front door, she looked again, over her shoulder, to make sure it was really gone. Upon seeing that it was, she sighed; shoes in hand; and smiled.
2.12.08
20 Questions About Bathrooms: Question #11
11.I wonder how many people have been naked in here?
Do you ever think that while you’re in a bathroom? Consider it, the only thing separating you and about 2 dozen others from being in that bathroom together, naked; is time. Ah, the joys of group nudity held at bay by the scrupulous father time. shame.
Do you ever think that while you’re in a bathroom? Consider it, the only thing separating you and about 2 dozen others from being in that bathroom together, naked; is time. Ah, the joys of group nudity held at bay by the scrupulous father time. shame.
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